And I was yoyo-ing back and forth between wanting to sign up for absolutely every online offer I saw or go cold turkey and delete all social media for my own sanity. The “productive”, overdoing part of me was spinning out. The illusion that I could control work things in a way I couldn’t control anything else in my life was an oh-so-tempting invitation. I was desperate to feel better (and productive! Helpful! Of service! Needed! Like I was really earning this privilege to be able to work from home while others are on the front lines or out of jobs or sick!).

Yesterday I went down to the river to reflect. The river where I almost drowned once, the river where my Grandpa would fly fish (right off his 4 wheeler in his later years), the river that’s home to bears and fish and eagles and deer.

A couple of months later, tired of squeezing in work for the startup on her evenings and weekends, everything in her body was telling her she wanted to be done. And that was waaaaaaayy scarier than the business as usual, head down, pretending like it’s still working strategy.

I'm so grateful to all of you who've supported me and my growing business. Thank you!! I wish I had a cupcake for every single one of you.

I am now single and living in NYC. The fit of my green Deuter backpack, the sensation of sleeping on [an inflatable sleeping pad on] the ground and the feeling of deep belonging in a close, intimate partnership all feel so far away now. I’ve replaced the vast open spaces with possibility, creativity, connection, horns honking, sirens screaming, and a deep sense of purpose.

There were some scary and steep cliffs with snow and ice on them today. I was so grateful to have Freefall's microspikes for my shoes. Maybe it's a total placebo effect, but I feel safer putting them on. We weren't getting along too well today, at one point we had some glicades (sliding on your ass down a snowy hill) and I noticed Easy was sliding down wearing a frown. Then that made me laugh, which didn't help.